Positivity & Depression

Over the past year I have struggled with depression and anxiety more than usual, much coming from health problems and family deaths that left me reeling. In January it finally all hit at once. Everything. 19 years worth of pain that I had been unknowingly repressing and holding in burst out of me. From there I have been working on rebuilding myself and my brain, one thought at a time. I want to share some of the things that have helped me cope with my acute anxiety disorder so maybe I can help other people who are suffering.

Therapy. I had bad experiences with a bad therapist as a child, (after my mom died) and it took many years to seek it out again, but now I have a much better therapist and I feel comfortable sharing. Don't settle for a therapist you don't love. It won't help anything. Trust me. There's a perfect one out there for you.

Get off social media more. I really noticed a shift in my spirits when I decided to take weekends as time for just me and my husband and friends I could see in person. I realized that the world didn't end when I didn't know what show so and so watched, or what vacation so and so else had come back from. It really helped me reconnect with my new husband.

Give back. This one is the most sensible of all. Buy a homeless person food. Shovel a driveway for someone. Be a mentor to someone struggling. When I am down and find myself without much time I like to browse moreloveletters.com and send letters to people with their own struggles. It helps me feel better by adding more love into the world and it also reminds me that my problems, big as they might seem, are not so big that I can't carry them.

Spend time with a pet. Our cat Buttercup knows what time is sit down and cuddle time and will make sure I know if I am cooking too late into the evening or doing other things that interrupt his sacred time with me. He makes me pause and appreciate those around me, if just for a few minutes. It can be annoying but I am more grateful than anything.

Lean on your friends. This is something that is hard for me. I grew up as an independent child as a result of some of the darker parts of my childhood. I tried to be as isolated and self reliant as I could and that wore me out. It is spiritually exhausting to be lonely. When I learned how to reach out and ask for help my life improved. It is still scary to put my faith in others, but I am getting better at it.

Get to know yourself. So much depression and anxiety comes from drowning in SEPs. (Somebody else's problems.) My therapy is helping me set boundaries and say no to things I don't want to do, and in turn I am less anxious and stressed out. My time is becoming MY time. For me, about me, about what I think. Not in a self centered way. but more learning more about myself and how I tick so I can be a better friend, wife, daughter, sister, niece etc. To thine own self be true.

If any of these tips help you overcome some of your problems and battles please let me know. I would love to hear it!

My Big Rant

Over the past week I have been insulted, harangued, threatened and worse. Because I dared to tell the world I am not okay with the fact that women's reproductive systems are being more legislated than guns. The fact I have to type this sentence as a woman in 2014 breaks my heart.

One of the worst parts? Someone I tried to explain the situation to dismissed it as not her problem, when her very boss was the one who said the very public and very frightening things to me. She just got an IUD. The very type of birth control her boss would take away from her if she could.

WAKE UP AMERICA. This isn't someone else's problem. This is your problem, and your brother's, and your mom's, and your doctor's. It's all our problems. I could cite all the statistics of how our infant mortality rate is skyrocketing, the amount of corruption being revealed in police work and on the floor of Congress. I could talk about the growing violence against men in the growing prison systems and as well as the number of deaths of children to self inflicted gun shot wounds.

But what's the point? Men and women like the ones I described above are both symptoms of a greater problem. Each person who turns their back on statistics like the ones above is another degree of damnation. Our country is not falling apart. It is being ripped to shreds by a tightly held oligarchy that we are too lazy to do anything about!

Well I'm not. I will be there protesting, escorting women into planned parenthood, I will be using my voice. I will no longer be sitting on the sidelines. I have kicked one person out of my life this week over his views and I will do it again if I have to. I will move mountains starting with a single pebble.

I will leave you with a very famous poem.

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Socialist. Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Trade Unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

The Great Big Wedding Post!

The silence is over. The wedding has passed, and now I can share all the crazy crafting projects that have taken my attention away from cooking, blogging, exercise, and everything else but wedding crafting. It was worth it for the things I am going to show you now! (All images not credited are my own measly attempts to capture what I was doing, the gorgeous ones are all professionally done and credited.)

When we were forming the idea for our wedding it had started out as a much broader book themed wedding, but when we lost our first venue we changed it, realizing that our second choice venue (Lawry's Prime Rib of Beverly Hills) would be perfect for a Harry Potter themed wedding. Ideas started churning in my head about what I wanted, from the goblet of fire, and the house points to Bertie Botts Beans. There was too much to choose from to represent it all, so we concentrated on enhancing the restaurant's Hogwarts like features.

I am not a fan of cut flowers, and I cringed at how much plastic goes into fake ones, so we originally tried making paper flowers, but those had mixed results. (See the past post on this subject.) When those didn't work we went back to the drawing board. We experimented with various media until we stumbled upon ribbon roses. I happened to have a friend who turned out to be brilliant at making them and so we decided to create brooch bouquets with ribbons, since I loved the idea of brooch bouquets.

Since our theme gave us the option to use many colors we took advantage of that. We let the bridesmaids pick out a style together, and the only criteria was that it came in all 4 house colors. This allowed us to create bouquets with the house accent colors, pulling our theme together without making anyone wear robes, or uniforms.

Image Credit Candice Benjamin Photography. (candicebenjamin.com)

I got the chance to really try my hand a few different crafts I hadn't tried before, as well as breaking out my old calligraphy skills. One of my favorite new crafts is needlefelting, where you use a small serrated needle and stab it into wool to tangle the wool and shape it, much as a clay sculptor would. This allowed me to create some special items to decorate the tables such as Dobby, below.

Another example was the Platform 9 3/4 sign and brick fabric. We wanted people to feel like they were being transported to Hogwarts, starting the moment they arrived. Being greeted by Hedwig and Harry's truck certainly helped.

Image Credit Candice Benjamin Photography. (candicebenjamin.com)

Since I was going to be wearing a regular wedding dress, I wanted my accessories to be matched to the theme, as well as the groomsmen. I bought Harry Potter silk ties off Amazon for the men to wear. I bought a Time Turner from the Noble collection and found a pair of earrings I liked at Charming Charlie's. The other bracelet was what I wore out that night with my Ravenclaw party dress. I found that at a Harry Potter craft fair at Whimsic Alley, a charming little nerd boutique in Hollywood. My co worker created the garters, by dismantling some HP earrings that are sold at hot Topic.

Image Credit Candice Benjamin Photography. (candicebenjamin.com)

We really wanted people to keep discovering new things as they moved through the wedding venue, from the ceremony room to the reception hall. We had House banners created, and our venue let us choose house colors for all the different tables so that people really felt like they were sitting in the great hall at their house's tables. Various friends who I can not give enough thanks to, helped create and set up the decorations. We were pleased with our Monster Book Of Monsters Guestbook, created my by cousins, who took my idea of a Trelawney book of predictions and even made a scroll to go with it!

And the table of cake pops and candy looked great. We really wanted our guests to feel like you had visited Honeydukes. (The candy table got Marvolo Gaunt rings instead of Truffle Snitches because Wormtail found them in the office and ate them all. We even decorated the bathroom stalls.

Image Credit Candice Benjamin Photography. (candicebenjamin.com)

All in all it was a huge success.

Image Credit Candice Benjamin Photography. (candicebenjamin.com)
Wands Came from Wands and Wood
Banners were made by Men of the Cloth
Hair by Leanne Hare
Makeup by Megan Vigil

Positivity

I read an article over the weekend regarding New Year's Resolutions and how often people fail to keep them. It discussed the idea of having a New Year's theme of things you would like to work on in your life, and I loved the idea. I did meet many of my specific goals for last year, but still it felt lacking and disappointing so I am going to embrace this change.

My theme for 2014 will be POSITIVITY.

I would like to speak more positively instead of complaining and denouncing. This will need to be a change in mindset, not just behavior. I have let myself become a bitter and cranky 30 year old without realizing it and it needs to stop now.

I would like to think more optimistically and worry less. Worry is just using your imagine for ill instead of good.

I would like to find a way to approach each day and each task I take on with more enthusiasm, looking for the bright side of each situation.

I would like to treat my body positively. Not just love the way it looks, but love the way it feels inside and out, by exercising, eating right and limiting indulgent behaviors.

And I will achieve it! 2014, here I come!

Ancestry

I have been silent for a month because it has been a busier month than I could have imagined. But, as I was cleaning up after a dinner I had prepared, I stopped and paused. And it felt like poetry was bursting out of me that needed to be shared...
Salt whooshses along the grill lines
Creating a rhythm which lulls me
My hand braces the iron handle pound for pound
Scrub and scrub
Until white becomes brown becomes white
Scoured clean
My hands feel like my ancestors' do
This thing we do, a simple moment to connect with the past
One hundred years ago, on prairies, on barren fields of potatoes
On high moors and lush valleys
And I am with them, each
Cast with their strength
These women, these adventurers

Catching the Fever

Sorry for the lateness of this post. My friend was going to post it on his site, but I have not seen it so I thought I would share it with you here in the meantime for those curious about reading about my time at Fan camp.

A late October day I filled out a form online regarding something called “Catching Fire Fan Camp”. It was one of various forms I had filled out in order to win a chance to see Catching Fire early. Immediately I forgot about it until I received an e-mail on November 1st (I was at dinner) that informed me I was selected to attend and was assigned to District 5. (Out of 5, not 12 as you would assume.) Sadly, I had not signed up my fiancé, so I realized would be going alone if I decided to attend/if I got time off.

With no more information forthcoming, and only armed with the hashtag #cffancamp I was left to ponder what this entailed, exchanging countless texts with other winners, until we received a second e-mail on November 8th which gave more information on the events for the weekend, bringing some answers to the big questions we all had. A third on November 11th gave instructions on the appropriate tents but no more.

Feeling overwhelmed and slightly confused, I begged my boss for the day off, and after explaining what it was for, she agreed. Out of the chaos of twitter I was directed to join a facebook group for the event, which luckily for my sake was filled with fan camp pros, many of whom had participated in similar events for the previous Hunger Games movie, as well as the Twilight films, of which I am less familiar. Armed with the knowledge the group dispensed, I began to anticipate what the three days would hold for us.

Finding parking was a daunting experience because we were given a map with vague instructions to find a lot with overnight parking. All the lots said no overnight parking but upon asking a security guard we found out that technically the garages by the Nokia Theater & Staples Center don’t ever close so technically you can. So I parked and dutifully unloaded my ridiculously large and comical amount of items. (I have camped exactly 0 times before.) I tottered the way the security guards pointed until I was admitted to a cordoned off area, situated in the closed off street between The Nokia Theater and The Staples Center.

I got checked in and told where to set up. Having practiced setting up my tent earlier that week (huzzah for Amazon Prime’s two-day shipping!) I was able to help others around me with their tents. As far as the eye could see there were tents.

I ventured towards the Nokia plaza and found that Coke, Kiss FM and Amazon Kindle had set up some booths to give away freebies and do some fun green screen photos.

I got in line to do the Amazon green screen photo because I wanted a raffle ticket. (Yes thank you I would like to win a new Kindle) and since there was not much else going on at the moment. Soon it was announced that Willow Shields (who plays Primrose Everdeen) would be signing. I jogged back to my tent and retrieved the very large Quarter Quell poster I thought to buy earlier in the week. I found a place in line with some new friends I had met in the photo line and off we went.

They had free posters made up especially for the weekend for those who did not bring anything to sign, which was nice of them. When we got to front of the line after about 45 minutes, I talked briefly with her about her portrayal of Prim, and about my own little blonde sister, the Prim to my Katniss.

After an hour they escorted her out and brought in Stephanie Schlund, who is playing Cashmere in the new movie. She was exceedingly nice, staying until well after her hour was over to make sure she gave autographs to anyone who wanted one.

At this point we hung around the Kiis booth as they did various giveaways. It was an impressive amount of swag all told. Around 6 everyone broke for dinner and they began moving around the set up to prepare for the screening of the original Hunger Games.

At 8 we returned to the Nokia Plaza, armed with camping chairs and blankets as well as some Hunger Games candy bars that were given out earlier. (Seriously, the swag!) It is hard to describe watching the movie in such a bustling, well lit, part of down town. Or I could say it gave me a slightly guilty feeling of being in the movie and watching the actual Hunger Games in the Capitol, in comfort. C’est la vie.

It had been a long day and so we turned in early and tried to tune out the noise and lights of the Staples center. (Unfortunately a basketball game was just getting out and the bathroom situation got a little bit interesting with the blending of those in pajamas with those in heels and suits. Armed with earplugs and a facemask I did the best I could to get some sleep.

Sunday began with free bagels and muffins from Corner Bakery and then a giveaway from Time Warner of some very nice Catching Fire shirts, swag bags and posters. Then we were told that more signings would be happening and the whole tent city exploded with frantic people, rushing to line up.

I found my new friends towards the back of the line and joined them. Word spread that Sam Claflin, Jeffrey Wright and Jena Malone were signing. As a huge Jena fan I was extremely excited, but alas, the hour was up before we made it to the front. (Poor planning on the part of Lion’s Gate on the signings. We probably should have been given tickets, or lined up by district, but I can’t really complain because we got to meet the next guest who came out. Josh Hutcherson.

As I had the other guests I thanked him for coming out and he signed my poster. Immediately I got back line again, as other people had, because we were informed there would be another guest. The next guest we had the pleasure of meeting was none other than the director, Francis Lawrence.

I gushed at him about my hopes for this movie, and heaped praise on his adaptation for Water for Elephants, to the point where he offered to take a photo with me which up until that point had been a no-no. (You could take pictures of, but not with the guests.)

So I got a special treat. After that things wound up for the day because they needed the space to set up the premiere. I spent the evening quietly, with some camp friends, playing board games and discussing the upcoming events as well as the previous. IT was very surreal, surrounded by the bustle of the city, sitting there in pajamas and eating candy, acting like any youth would at sleep away camp in the summer. (Or so I imagine.)

We were told we be woken at 5 am and told to pack up to receive our tickets to return. Sure enough, 5 am arrived all too quickly, and hundreds of sleepy fans moving as slow as zombies pulled down tents and then huddled in their chairs until we were dismissed. I luckily had gotten a hotel room so I walked down the street, (yes in my pajamas!) and promptly went back to sleep until it was time to get ready and leave. (Otherwise known as check out time.)

Wearing my own version of a premiere dress, and donning my slippers I walked back to the Nokia center to drop stuff in my car and have lunch. We didn’t have call backs until 4 pm so I took another nap in my car.

When 3:30 rolled around we all met upstairs and were lined up by our numbers and sent inside to find a spot to defend. I found a good spot, center, second tier, but upon spying my friends over to the side on their third tier I decided to give it up and go over there. From our spot we had a great view of the whole red carpet area.

Especially good view of the back of the big, flaming Mockingjay over the entrance.

It took some time for the celebrities to roll our way because we were the fans closest to the entrance to the theater but eventually many of them did, some rushing as it approached 8 pm. I decided to keep to my eagle’s perch up and in back, rather than descend into the chaos below as books, posters, and various other items were offered up to the stars for signing. For the most part it was a slightly dull, but pleasant experience. I couldn’t fathom being one of the many reporters in the center pens, tottering on giant heels and in dresses almost as nice as the ones on the red carpet. I was cold enough in my dress, and my flats started to get wearisome as the hours wore on.

I snapped a collection of blurry photos as a result my phone’s camera being constantly trying to focus due to the press cameras and light directly opposite us. The one good photo I was able to snag was of Lenny Kravitz, looking like he is standing still as the world rushes by, the epitome of cool.

I failed to get Suzanne Collins attention to show her my Mockingjay tattoo (hey, a girl can dream). I got a good chuckle out of Liam Helmsworth’s reaction to some of the more exuberant of his fans and even got a very blurry, but somehow creepy photo of Donald Sutherland as he got out of his car.

Just about 8 they started letting our side of the fanstand in to the theater and there was a rush for bathrooms and free drinks. (They were out of popcorn by then, sadly. ) The theater holds 5000 and it was packed. I was at the back in the left hand corner. I was impressed with the great view of the screen even from so far back. After a few words from the Lion’s Gate CEO, the director and an appearance of the main cast the movie started.

For 146 minutes the theatergoers were held in Francis Lawrence’s spell. He completely nailed Catching Fire, in a way that I had only begun to hope when I heard he was replacing the director of Hunger Games. He guided Jennifer Lawrence in such a way that the first movie failed to capture; the emotions of Katniss, the desperation, the panic, and the damage that the whole experience did to her. I have to admit though, Jena Malone stole the show as Johanna Mason, and the clapping for her drowned out the movie a few times. A few of the more juvenile movie goers screamed banalities such “Team Peeta” but for the most part the majority of fans were respectful.

After the screening we waited in the extensive line to get our phones back from security, eyed the after party upstairs on the roof of the parking garage with jealousy, and then headed home, with hugs and smiles dispensed out to new friends before parting.

All in all it was an amazing experience. Made more so by the fact it was a free event. I can definitely see why these fans return year after year. Yes, the whole star sighting and movie screenings are a blast, but the friends you make clearly seems to be the best kept secret of fan camp.

Hunger Games: Catching Fire Fan Camp

I am very pleased (ecstatic really) to announce that I was chosen to attend the Catching Fire Fan Camp weekend November 16-18th. I was assigned District 5 (which is not that far off from what I do for actual work.) I will be planning on writing a special guest post for CC2K, an site devoted to all things Geek, but I will also be sharing with you some of the highlights that might not make it into that article.